“Did you ever wonder if the person in the picture is the same one you see when you look in the mirror?“ He laughed. “That’s the eternal question, isn’t it? Are we born who we are, or do we make ourselves that way?”
―Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart
Sometimes life happens in a way that is more difficult to digest and understand right at the moment. Sometimes we can’t understand ourselves. I was trying to write my daily page about my feelings and I found out that I was writing about “the end of 2015” and I realized that I’m always obsessed with all different kinds of moments, but “right now” is not one of them. I’m either planning to do things or thinking about memories. I’m wasting “now”; I’m not trying to live.
There were still 2 weeks left when I started to write about 2016. I always have things I wanna forget. I wanna do things to improve. I’m always running towards something.
But what I found different this time is that I stopped to evaluate myself. I brought a pen and notebook and instead of writing what I want to do, I wrote down what I changed, what I thought about it and I realized how much I grew up – that’s not necessarily a good thing.
I made a lot of mistakes during the last year, as I did during the past 28 years. I said a lot of stupid things, I lied and let go of a lot of great people because I was too cowardly to live my life and I was too naive to admit that.
I realized how much I’ve accepted myself this past year– with all my mistakes, flaws and imperfections. I was always proud of myself, proud of being an Arab Bedouin. Yes, I’m the granddaughter of a woman who was living in a tent. I’m originally from the desert and I’m not afraid to hide that. I learned that the most important thing is that you still need to show “who you are” and that in your hand you are the only one who can shape your life. It’s like your own unique scepter in this life, every one represents no one other than themselves.
Last year I found myself going back to read a lot of my old books for the second time–the ones which amazed me one day, or changed my life or the way I think. Is it me trying to look for myself? Might I find my old self in some lines? or character!? It was something I never thought I would do especially since I have a long list of books “to read”. But it was a great experience that taught me a lot and shows me that reading is the only way to escape reality without being worried about the rules. It’s our own imagination; no one else is invited to judge us, doubt our ideas, criticize us, or compare us to others. It is a world where no one else has any business to ask us “what are you thinking about?” Even when we are reading with a group of people we can still do it our own way. I realize this now, that reading is the only ride I can take to escape my fears.
Hmmm now I’m ready to talk about 2016. I still believe in writing things I want to do. But this year I want to focus on each thing without making any plans or pressuring myself to achieve certain things or reach certain levels. I’m going to as usual read, write, dance and learn a new language. I’m not gonna say more than that. I’ll let myself explore my abilities and the level that I will reach without any promises. I’m just going to try and live NOW.