English Blogs يومياتي - Diary

Facing the fact

19 يناير، 2016

It was OK… the room filled with people, all kinds of talk was going on, like if nothing had changed. They started to leave until there was no one except for me and him. He called for someone -anyone- to help him move to the other side. At that particular moment I realized how much I’m denying that he is sick, how much I’m running from facing the fact, how I keep telling myself he is not that sick, he is going to be just fine. I realized,too, that I did not look in his eyes for months now. I had to now. I’m going to be close to him to help him move his legs, hands and body. I was keeping a distance, watching him from far away as if I did not care.

At that moment, I was thinking while I was helping him, “Am I lying if I said, ‘a thousand ideas are running through my mind at the same time.’“ I was looking at his eyes and not looking at the same time. I never thought I was going to face this, I always had this idea that my grandfather and my grandmother will be here forever. Every single thought about my future includes them, they are my main source of strength, they are the only thing that never changes in my ideas about the future, even if I did not say it.

My grandfather is sick. He is more than a grandfather to me, he is the supporting father I always dreamed of, the only man who never disappointed me for once, never asked me to change, was everything I needed when I needed it, was the singer to cheer me up when I was sad, the one who encouraged me to dance when I was standing shy at the room while people were clapping for me. I just looked in his eyes and danced. He was the first man who ever told me that I’m beautiful, the only one who looked at me with tears in his eyes and said you make me look old, you are a grown woman, the only one who told me that my future husband will be lucky to have me, the only one who fed me at the dinner table when no one was even paying attention that I’m too depressed to eat, the first one to love me unconditionally. My existence is enough reason for him to love me, I do not have to do anything. He is the only one who told me: “So what, who cares?!” Instead of “Are you crazy?”  He was the role model of a person who lives his life with simplicity. I remember hearing him say to people : “Life is already complicated, stop making it worse.” He is the only one who never stopped to be who he wanted to be. No matter what I’m doing he stood by my side.

I miss the chocolate milk he used to buy us -his grand kids- every time he went out, no matter how old Im I always get my chocolate milk he never forget me when I asked him once: “Don’t you think Im old for this?” He said “never older then Sedo”.

I never bought the chocolate milk again. It was his thing. I was waiting for him to get better and buy me one, but when I looked into his eyes, I realized that he is sick, and how much I’m scared to lose him and I do not want to be alone. Who is gonna have my back, Sedo?.

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